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Talkin’ Turkey with Janet

A woman’s place is in Homeland Security.

I’ve been a guy for my whole life. I have nine sons and four grandsons. I think I speak for guys everywhere when I say that there’s nothing quite as entertaining as things that go boom. Pretty sure that’s why the Founding Fathers came up with the Second Amendment. Getting to dispatch tyrants was just icing on the entertainment cake.

So it was with some interest that I note that Janet Napolitano latest public service directive. You probably know Janet as the Director or Czar or something of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). Maybe you’ve heard her referred to – both affectionately and derisively – as “Big Sis”, an oblique reference to her Orwellian omnipresence in our daily lives. Still others think of her as the greatest female impersonator since Eleanor Roosevelt – if you don’t count Janet Reno.

In any event, Janet has weighed in with some suggestions – I think she actually intended it as a warning – on the impact on National Security that arises when guys with WASPish surnames and backward ball caps everywhere are dropping turkeys into fryers designed for that purpose. The DHS warning also includes a video that shows what can happen if you impose your morality on a not quite thawed bird. Cool.

While this opens up alternatives to mixing dry ice and water and acetylene in garbage bags, I guess this means that you will no longer get that device, formerly used to fry turkeys, past those ever-vigilant TSA watchmen at airport security. Unless you can hide it under a turban, of course.

Janet has proven once again that any semblance of jurisdictional limits are erased. Homeland Security – Homeland Security! – is telling us how to cook Thanksgiving dinner. She’s also proven that we’ve become a nation of emasculated imbeciles that cast our eyes upon Capitol Hill from whence cometh our help. Sheesh!

And, finally, by offering this sage – and parsley, rosemary, and thyme – cooking advice Janet shows us that that no matter how much she tries to repress it; no matter how latent the inclination, a woman’s place is in the home.

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