Andy Stanley (a/k/a Joel Osteen of the East), pastor of the Northpoint Church franchise announced today that parishioners should no longer come to any of their campuses for services. Due to concerns over the spread of the CoronaVirus, Stanley who is the lead pastor of the second largest church in the country sent out the notice. Stanley added, however, that “the faithful can tune in online and contributions are still expected.”
Borrowing a page from the meal delivery service handbook, Stanley also noted that
“Deacons in hazmat suits will visit the homes of all members to collect the loot.”
And, in a manifestation of icing on the Supreme cake, Joy Behar, abrasive hostess of The View gabfest, announced that she was in self-imposed exile for a couple of weeks. Her advanced age was given as the reason.
Christians and pagans alike collectively sighed, “Finally. Some relief.”