Knights of Columbus upgrade.

The venerable Catholic service organization, the Knights of Columbus, are getting a modern upgrade.  Historically, the group which serves at member’s funerals, endless community service projects, and other charitable events, has long been marked by formal garb including a plumed helmet and a ceremonial sword.

Perhaps in a nod to more modern weapons of warfare; or, maybe in an effort to attract a younger demographic to its membership rolls, the group is ditching the plumes and their swords into pruning hooks.  Instead, starting the first of next year, the organization will be donning black berets and will sling AR-15’s complete with high capacity magazines over their collective shoulders.

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) is none too happy.  According to one prelate who spoke on the condition of anonymity, “We’ve been so busy covering of financial crimes and other scandals, this is just going to put more pressure on us.  We’re trying to move to transparency, of the opaque variety.  This isn’t going to help a bit.”

A spokesman for the Knights observed that in addition to the many laudable service projects in which the organization is involved, member Knights in each parish will be professionally trained to not only display their new AR-15’s at ceremonies, but to defensively and offensively use them in providing security during Mass. “Even a deaf, dumb, and blind bishop knows that individual parishes face increasing threats and hostilities.  We just want to make our churches as unattractive targets as we can.”

In a letter to the organization’s headquarters asking whether the move will result in turning any such threat into a shootout, the  K of C responded, “Bishops have armed body guards.  We’d rather a thirty second shootout than a thirty minute slaughter.”