Oct 23

Elephant’s Human Rights Jeopardize Abortion Access.

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Liberals Conflicted.

Happy is Depressed.

Lawyers representing an elephant have argued in New York court that their trunked client be considered a person.  Happy the elephant is, contrary to her sunny name, being detained by the Bronx Zoo “illegally”, due to her personhood, and must be released, according to her self-appointed legal team.

The case’s instigator, the Nonhuman Rights Project founded by attorney Steven Wise, hopes for a legal breakthrough that will elevate the status of elephants to have the fundamental right to liberty.  Wise has also represented other animals including a dog, a pair of chimps, and a trio of pachyderms.

Wise’s reputation in the animal kingdom has suffered some serious setbacks. In 2017, a New York appeals court ruled that Kiko and Tommy, two chimps in their 30s, could not be considered persons.  Then in August, Connecticut decided that three elephants – Beulah, Minnie and Karen – could not be deemed persons.

Wise has been retained by Happy, an animal that can recognize herself in a mirror. Critics of the legal move argue that Happy’s mirror fancy “only proves that she’s a female, or at least that she identifies as one.”

The case took an interesting turn when, during a recent court hearing, Wise argued that Happy is not happy about being pregnant and wants to terminate her pregnancy.  Said Happy’s attorney, “My client was in a consensual relationship with an elephant named Grumpy when Happy fell pregnant.  Grumpy was killed by two other females in the enclosure – and we know how catty females can be.  Well, anyway, Happy does not wish to become a single mother at this point in her life.  She can never forget what happened to Grumpy.”

Under state law, an abortion on a person requires an additional judicial review.  Wise was unaware of the legal dilemma and asked the court for a recess so he could consult with his client who was not in court.

Polling of Americans has shown strong support for granting animals the same rights as humans.  Some philosophers backed the concept arguing that animals have moral standing and shouldn’t be considered merely as property.

Similar polling also showed that the majority of Americans voted for Hillary Clinton for President in the last election.

Scientists are baffled by the American public’s continued infatuation with elephants.

 

Oct 22

Scientists applaud discovering Book of Genesis

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“We are shocked that we actually found this.”

What happened to the dinosaurs when an asteroid about six miles wide struck Earth in what is today Mexico is well known: It wiped them out. But the exact fate of our planet’s diverse ocean dwellers at the time — shelly ammonites, giant mosasaurs and other sea creatures — has not been as well understood.

New scientific research now makes the case that the same “incident” that helped bring an end to the reign of the dinosaurs also acidified the planet’s oceans, disrupted the food chain that sustained life underwater and resulted in a mass extinction. The study, published Monday in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, points to a source hitherto alien to ‘learned scientists’: the Book of Genesis.  Turns out that the cataclysmic event described therein would account perfectly for the acidified oceans, disrupted food chains, and extinction of the pre-historic giants on land and sea.

What meaneth these strange sayings?

At the center for this landmark discovery is an elusive section of Genesis, which has been given the code name ‘Chapter 7‘.  According to a copy of the discovery that has been surreptitiously obtained, through chicanery, no doubt is a section that says:

And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.

“It’s flash acidification, and it transformed ecosystems almost instantly and irreversibly,” said the ironically named Noah Planavsky, a biogeochemist at Yale and one of the study’s authors.

“We were shocked that we actually found this.”

Oct 22

Science: Ozone hole smallest since discovered.

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Scientists: “Bummer.“

Bummer

NASA scientists are baffled and disappointed.  The hole in the ozone layer of the earth’s atmosphere is smaller than it has ever been.  And as if the evidence had to add insult to injury, the data also shows that the hole is smaller because of warmer temperatures world wide.

The hole in the ozone layer has shrunk to its smallest size since scientists began monitoring it in 1982 because of unusual weather patterns in the upper atmosphere over Antarctica, according to NASA.  The hole fluctuates in size annually and is usually largest during the coldest months in the southern hemisphere, from late September to early October.

The latest observations from space have shown the hole now covers less than 3.9million square miles – a record low and almost half as small as it was during its peak at 6.3million on September 8 only six weeks ago. Experts say the hole is usually around 8 million square miles during this time of year.

Paul Newman, chief scientist for Earth Sciences at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center said it is “great news for ozone in the Southern Hemisphere.   But it’s important to recognize that what we’re seeing this year is due to warmer stratospheric temperatures. It’s not a sign that atmospheric ozone is suddenly on a fast track to recovery.  Even though we always told people that ‘global warming’ was causing the depletion of the ozone layer.”

This year’s warmer global temperatures — aided by unusual weather patterns — have therefore helped to limit  damage the ozone layer.  In turn, this has led to a much smaller ozone hole this year than we have previously seen. On the surface, the strengthening of the ozone layer would seem to be a promising development — as such serves to better protect the Earth from harmful ultraviolet radiation from the Sun.

But for many in the atmosphere, global warming is not only a source of their livelihood, it directly impacts their ability to help push through policies, regulations, taxes, and other means of controlling people.  So, scientifically speaking, this is Bummerous Maximus.

Oct 22

Pachamama idols go for swim; Pope not feeling so honored.

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My, what a difference a month makes.

Why it was just last month that Pope Francis was luxuriating in criticism.  He called it “an honor” when he was ‘attacked’ by Americans.

You see there were these four idols, that the Vatican called “Indigenous symbols of life” which translated to English is “idols”.  Well, just the other day a couple of faithful Catholics  quietly entered a Catholic Church in Rome where some Amazonian fertility idols had been enshrined.  Long story short, the men took the idols and threw them in the Tiber River.  Video of the action:

 

In response, the Vatican’s editorial director, Andrea Tornielli, got his vestments all in a bunch and decried the removal of the idols, “In the name of tradition and doctrine, an effigy of maternity and the sacredness of life was dumped in contempt,” Tornielli said the incident was a “violent and intolerant gesture”, which violence the video failed to capture.  Tornielli said that the thieves had “passed from hate on social media to action”. He said it was shocking that one conservative Catholic website headlined its story on the theft “Justice is Served.”  Tornielli added, “Atsa my idols you a throwing in da Tiber.“

Pope Francis, commenting aboard the Papal Jet on his way to Monaco said, “OK.  you can stop honoring me now.”

 

 

Oct 21

NBA Called out for ‘Black Privilege.’

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League subject to ‘Diversity Compliance’ measures.

Adam Silver

The NBA, still licking its wounds over the “Free Hong Kong” controversy is now dealing with another crisis.  While Whites factor into approximately 77% of the general population of the United States, their numbers literally pale in comparison to a paltry 11% of the NBA players.  Conversely, Blacks comprise about 17% of the general population but represent over 80% of players.

WHITE BOYS DON’T STAND A CHANCE.

While the NBA (and other sports teams) have long gotten a pass on the Affirmative Action laws that govern nearly every other aspect of American life, those days now appear to be over.  Critics of the league have cited the institutional ‘Black Privilege’ that exists in the pro basketball ranks.  “Gone are the days when White guys were stars – Larry Bird, Bill Walton, Jerry West.  Now White guys are under-represented.  They hardly stand a chance.  It’s just not fair.  It’s just not diverse.  And diversity is what’s best.” said the White American Sports Players (WASP) Union Executive.

Consummate White Guy, Adam Silver, who is also NBA Commissioner noted that “all players compete for playing positions and contract.  There is no racial profiling going on in the NBA.  It is strictly based on abilities.  These guys just need to work harder and step up their game rather than turn to the government for some sort of equalization of the racial breakdown of our league.”

Silver continued, “If the WASP has their way, the quality of our product is going to suffer greatly.  I mean, if we have mostly white teams, you might as well just watch the WNBA.  Or just say, ‘Made in China.'”

Oct 17

Pope Francis: Fatties are victims too.

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Capitalism causes obesity.

Pope: “He or she? I can’t tell.”

Pope Francis said that there is a “distorted relationship between food and nutrition” in the world, resulting in both world hunger and obesity, even in poorer nations.  Food, says the Pontiff “is ceasing to be a means of subsistence and turning into an avenue of personal destruction.”

Francis said that these improper eating habits call for “a conversion in our way of living and acting,” which must begin with nutrition.  “Nutritional disorders can only be remedied by the cultivation of lifestyles.”  When a reporter questioned if the Pope meant that nutrition was the key to holiness, Francis obliquely responded, “nutritional virtues summon us to a more simple and sober life, and unfailing concern for the needs of those around us.”

Growing up in Argentina combined with training as a Jesuit, unavoidably leads Bergoglio to his Marxist roots.  As is his wont, the pope proposed that the problem of malnutrition and hunger are ultimately the by-products of the free market economy.

“The battle against hunger and malnutrition will not end as long as the logic of the market prevails and profit is sought at any cost, with the result that food is relegated to a mere commercial product subject to financial speculation and with little regard for its cultural, social and indeed symbolic importance.” The Argentinian Jesuit didn’t elaborate on what the “symbolic importance” of food was to hungry people.

Apparently believing that the Church had little to do with bad eating habits, the pope opined that, “To escape from this spiral, we need to promote economic institutions and social initiatives which can give the poor regular access to basic resources.”

“Besides,” Francis concluded, “with all these fatties, I can’t tell if it’s a guy or a girl.”

 

Oct 14

Clinton Science.

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Doing for Biology what they did for Ethics.

For first time, Hillary admits that it’s her shortcomings that lead to disagreement.

The Mad Scientists

It may appear Hillary and Chelsea Clinton always see eye-to-eye, but in a recent interview one topic cracked the facade of the like-minded mother-daughter power duo.  The one issue Hillary and Chelsea don’t appear to agree on entirely is transgender self-identification.

In an interview with The Sunday Times, journalist Decca Aitkenhead asked the Clintons if someone with a beard and a penis can ever be a woman, to which Chelsea replied emphatically, ‘Yes.’

However, as Aitkenhead describes it, Hillary looked ‘uneasy’, and blamed generational gaps for being less accepting.

‘Errr. I’m just learning about this,’ Hillary responded. ‘It’s a very big generational discussion, because this is not something I grew up with or ever saw. It’s going to take a lot more time and effort to understand what it means to be defining yourself differently.’

According Aitkenhead’s account, she tells Hillary during the interview that many British feminists of Hillary’s generation have a problem with the idea that a ‘lesbian who doesn’t want to sleep with someone who has a penis is transphobic.’

Hillary nods in agreement, while Chelsea ‘stiffens and stares at me’, according to Aitkenhead.

The journalist then adds that many women of Hillary’s generation are uncomfortable with biological males sharing women’s bathrooms.  ‘I would say that, absolutely,’ Hillary nods firmly. ‘Absolutely. Yes.’

That’s when Chelsea begins shooting a ‘furious stare’ at Aitkenhead, who points it out to her.

“I’m a terrible actor,” Chelsea laughs; continuing, “Sure it’s not like any of the skanks my Dad brought home.  But still.”

Hillary chimed in, “Maybe that’s the problem.  I’ve always been able to BS my way through everything.  Like that time I was speaking to an African American audience and I went all old-time-negro like.  That was a classic.  And when I wiped the hard-drive ‘like with a cloth‘.  I still crack myself up with that one.”

Chelsea went on to say that she thought people should be able to play for whichever sports team that matched their self-identification.  The reporterette then asked, “So if the entire Atlanta Hawks basketball team identified as women, they could be in the WNBA?  Wouldn’t that be unfair to those penis-less, mostly unbearded women’s teams?”

Chelsea responded, “Well if you like your team you can keep your team.”

 

Oct 10

Catholics Convene Impeachment Inquiry.

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Pontiff could be tried by the laity; must be convicted by the Bishops.

“Judas, Judas, Judas”

Catholic faithful may have had enough of Pope Francis’ always vague, often heretical statements.  In what is undoubtedly an historic first, the laity is forming a Formal Inquiry to remove Jorge’ Bergoglio from the Vatican.

This latest controversy began when the pontiff was interviewed by his longtime friend and avowed atheist  Eugenio Scalfari.  In La Repubblica, Scalfari, claims that the Pope told him that once Jesus Christ became incarnate, he was a man, a “man of exceptional virtues” but “not at all a God.”  “I know that Pope Francis conceives Christ as Jesus of Nazareth, man, not God incarnate. Once incarnate, Jesus stops being a God and becomes a man until his death on the cross.”

The teaching of the Catholic Church and most Christian churches is that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was incarnated as fully man and fully God.

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “The unique and altogether singular event of the Incarnation of the Son of God does not mean that Jesus Christ is part God and part man, nor does it imply that he is the result of a confused mixture of the divine and the human. He became truly man while remaining truly God. Jesus Christ is true God and true man. During the first centuries, the Church had to defend and clarify this truth of faith against the heresies that falsified it. (464)”

This is not the first time Bergoglio has stepped all in it, theologically speaking, in a Scalfari interview.  In a March 2018 interview, Pope Francis reportedly said, “There is no Hell, there is the disappearance of sinful souls.”

That interview caused an uproar and the Vatican claimed that what the Pope reportedly said was a “reconstruction” and not “quoted.”  The Pope himself never denied what Scalfari reported and the article never ran a correction or removed the article from its website.

One commentator noted, “Now, obviously, as it has often happened with Francis’ informal interviews with Eugenio Scalfari, some will try to deny the veracity of what Scalfari, a seasoned journalist, affirms.”

A large group of less temperate Traditional Catholics loudly chanted, “Free Hong Kong” and “Impeachment is too good for him.  Give him the Jorge Hernandez  treatment.”  The latter being an apparent reference to the mayor of a Mexican village whom locals tied to the back of a truck and dragged him through the streets for failing to deliver on an election pledge.

 

Oct 10

Hong Kong whips up the brave.

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And the Braves get whipped by the Reds (birds).

“Free, Hong, and Kong” are not among the acceptable four letter words.

Sam Wachs and his wife attended Tuesday night’s preseason game between the Sixers and the Guangzhou Loong-Lions of the Chinese Basketball Association at the Wells Fargo Center.  The couple were kicked out of the after showing their support for protesters in Hong Kong.

Wachs and his wife were holding up “Free Hong Kong” and “Free HK” signs in reference to the ongoing protests in Hong Kong. Wachs said he lived in Hong Kong for two years and supports the protesters’ movement.

“We were just sitting in our seats near the Chinese bench,” Wachs said.  Security confiscated their signs.  They were kicked out of the game during the second quarter after they yelled, “Free Hong Kong.”   “What’s wrong with saying ‘Free Hong Kong’?”

According to Wells Fargo Center and NBA officials, the couple were removed “for hurting other peoples’ feelings  . . .  even if those people are in another country.  We try to maintain an environment where the crowd can yell as loudly as the want.  Especially if they’re drunk.  We let all kinds of four letter words in. It’s just that ‘free’, ‘Hong’, and ‘Kong’ aren’t among them.  That’s what’s wrong with that.”

Meanwhile Atlanta Braves fans ignored the wishes of their team and their opponent’s Native-American pitcher Wednesday night by continuing to perform their famous tomahawk chop during a blowout loss to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Rookie pitcher Ryan Helsley, 25, who is Cherokee, told reporters on friday that  it bothers him how indigenous people are used as mascots in sports by teams like the Braves and the Washington Redskins

Rookie pitcher Ryan Helsley, 25, who is Cherokee, scalped the Braves.

The Braves organization made good on its promise not to distribute foam tomahawks to fans ahead of the game – a ritual the team has maintained for years – but that didn’t stop the Atlanta faithful from performing the tomahawk chop chant with their arms or belting the battle cry at the beginning of the game.

St. Louis rookie pitcher Ryan Helsley, 25, who is Cherokee told reporters on Friday he disapproves of how indigenous people are used as mascots in sports by teams like the Braves and the Washington Redskins.  Rookie Helsley makes heap big wampum, securing 30 blankets and 100 beaded necklaces a year.

His remarks came a day after he took the mound against the Braves in Atlanta as fans performed their long-time chant, complete with the waving of their novelty foam tomahawks.  “I think it’s a misrepresentation of the Cherokee people or Native Americans in general, just depicts them in this kind of caveman-type people way who aren’t intellectual,” Helsley told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

A Braves’ fan clarified the whole chant thing saying, “It’s got nothing to do with him being an Injun’ – dot or feather.  It’s that baseball players and fans are this kind of caveman-type people who aren’t intellectual.”

St. Louis beat the Braves the old Cherokee way by scalping them with 10 runs in the game’s first inning before going on to defeat their opponents 13-1, ending Atlanta’s playoff run and hopes of another World Series birth.

 

Oct 08

If Bernie was President before he was President . . .

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 . . . he wouldn’t be President.

Poll numbers soar.

Other Democrats rethinking their position.

“…and thanks for not letting me be President before this.”

On Tuesday night, Senator Bernie Sanders, the socialist candidate who has run on a plan to nationalize medicine and ban health insurance, began to feel ill while doing an event at a Pakistani Halal restaurant.  Serves him right for eating halal.

Sanders requested a chair in the middle of answering a question. He appeared even more confused than usual and stumbled through his response. The event at the Halal restaurant was cut short and the millionaire campaigner against wealth was rushed to the hospital and admitted that very night.

Sanders is most closely associated with a plan to take away everyone else’s access to the kind of health care he just benefited from. Releasing details about his level of care could prove as embarrassing as the socialist millionaire’s recent ascension to the ranks of the 1%.

Bernie Sanders was admitted Tuesday night and by the next day, he had two stents put in to deal with a blockage in an artery, something that would not have happened under the plan (Medicare for All) that “The Bern” is famous for.

Despite the name, Medicare for All has nothing to do with Medicare. It’s a proposal that would actually eliminate Medicare and reduce everyone to a sub-Medicaid system with limited care options. It draws its inspiration from the British NHS, Canada’s socialized medicine and some European systems.  It actually makes ObamaCare look pretty sweet.

While Bernie’s timetable of getting an angioplasty within a day might not sound that impressive to Americans, in the British NHS system, the median time from assessment to treatment is 55.3 days. Mean times for treatment have been cited as being 80 days. The maximum NHS waiting time is supposed to be 18 weeks and almost 16% of patients in the UK have to wait more than 3 months for an angioplasty.  Canada’s socialist system has angioplasty waiting times of around 11 weeks.

Candidate Sanders tweeted from his hospital room,  “I’m feeling good. I’m fortunate to have good health care and great doctors and nurses helping me to recover.  Medicare for All the rest of you!” And he added, “Peons!”