Adam Schiff named as the new head of ISIS.

President Donald Trump said on Tuesday the U.S. military had killed the person who likely would have succeeded Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi as the leader of Islamic State.

‘Just confirmed that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s number one replacement has been terminated by American troops,’ Trump said on Twitter. ‘Most likely would have taken the top spot – Now he is also Dead!’

Elijah the Prophet.

Elijah the Prophet

President Trump tells Nancy.

Gotta’ love this guy.

I know a chick who used to be a bartender.

She thinks the “‘impeachment thingee'” is an open and shut case.”

Reporterettes: We want to be treated like any man would be.

Meltdown follows when treated like any man would be.

Taubman: “I sincerely apologize for publicly thanking ‘you know who.'”

The Houston Astros have fired embattled assistant general manager Brandon Taubman after he allegedly gloated to three female reporters about the acquisition of pitcher Roberto Osuna, who was suspended for 75 games for domestic violence.    Osuna was never charged with any crime.

According to Wednesday’s report by Sports Illustrated‘s Stephanie Apstein, Taubman turned to three females after the team clinched the American League pennant on Saturday night and shouted: “Thank God we got Osuna! I’m so f***ing glad we got Osuna!” Taubman later apologized for the comment, uttered in excitement following the Astros clinching a spot in the World Series.

It was not clear if the reporterettes were offended by a) the fact that the Astros paid over $10 million to someone accused of domestic violence; b) that an assistant manager was glad that the Astros hired an accused domestic abuser; c) that the assistant manager dropped an “f-bomb”; or, d) that the assistant manager thanked God that the Astros paid $10 million for an accused domestic abuser.

A spokesman for the Astros said, “Any of those but ‘a)’ would be grounds for Taubman’s dismissal.”

Meanwhile, approximately 50,000 Houston Astros fans who were watching the game when relief pitcher (and accused domestic violence guy) Osuna delivered the Pennant victory were banned for life  when they said, “Thank God we got Osuna! I’m so f***ing glad we got Osuna!

#GoAsstros!

 

Halloween in America.

AOC continues to climb evolutionary ladder.

On second thought, never mind.

Democrat firebrand Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is opening up on the emotional toll of living in the spotlight saying, “sometimes I just want to be a human being.”

Despite the 30-year-old’s training as a bartender, the new Congresswoman was ill prepared when she was flung into the spotlight in June 2018 when she her congressional seat.  She also serves as the Grand Capo for The Squad which exists to make headlines for her  attacks on Donald Trump.

Surprisingly, she’s got a feminine side that is in emotional havoc as she’s now opening about the hardship of dealing with fame.  She calls her life in the public eye “complicated.”

“Sometimes I just want to be a human being. And you don’t get to be a human any more,” AOC told the Huffington Post on Tuesday, adding “so nevermind, I’ll just go back to being Grand Capo.”

 

Dems in search of a Farquaad.

Attention all Fairy Tale Creatures.

“We’re all Farquaads here.”

When the 2020 Democratic presidential contest kicked off earlier this year, the massive field was hailed as the most diverse in history, with candidates who spanned the ideological spectrum and offered enough in a broad buffet of options to entice any voter. But after 10 months of campaigning and 15 hours of nationally televised debates, another emotion is rising: anxiety.

Party leaders and activists are citing weakness in all of the leading contenders, including former vice president Joe Biden, who has been forced on the defensive about his family’s ethics, performed haltingly in debates and set off alarms with his poor fundraising. They also fret that the two other top-ranking candidates, Sens. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., and Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., are too liberal to win a general election. Other candidates have had moments to shine, but none yet has fully transformed that into anything approaching momentum.

This crisis has pushed Democrats to look elsewhere, even briefly considering Hillary Clinton.  But Dems decided they were desperate, but not quite that desperate . . . at least not yet.  In the midst of internal debate over ‘drafting Hillary’  the Democratic Committee Leader objected, noting that “Hillary is the Mitt Romney of the Democratic Party.  Come to think of it, so is Mitt Romney.”

During a meeting of DNC leadership, a search was announced for a candidate who could save the party from Trump second term:

Suffice it to say, there is panic in the Democratic ranks.  It’s gotten so bad that during one meeting, Nancy Pelosi’s countenance fell.  She immediately had it lifted again.  And Adam Schiff came perilously close to telling the truth.

It’s that bad.

For now, the party of Farquaads continues its search for the ultimate Farquaad.

Biden said the “L” word.

But he didn’t mean it.

The nation’s leading gaffe-master, former President in charge of Vice Joe Biden got hoisted on his own petard yesterday.

Biden is  under fire for his double standard after he earlier described Donald Trump as ‘abhorrent’ and ‘despicable’ for comparing the impeachment inquiry to ‘a lynching’.   Crazy Uncle Joe said, “Impeachment is not ‘lynching’, it is part of our Constitution.  Our country has a dark, shameful history with lynching, and to even think about making this comparison is abhorrent. It’s despicable.”

But the Al Gore invention of the internet does not soon forget.  Way back in 1998 then Senator Biden gave an interview to CNN during the actual impeachment of Bill Clinton for lying under oath and cavorting with a variety of women including several who were the age of his daughter.   Back then, Joe opined:

Even if the President should be impeached, history is going to question whether or not this was just a partisan lynching or whether or not it was something that in fact met the standard, the very high bar, that was set by the founders as to what constituted an impeachable offense.

 

After being busted for his bald-faced double standard, Biden voiced what everyone has known for a while, “‘This wasn’t the right word for me to use and I’m sorry about that.  But, you know, I can never get my words right.  I said ’em alright, but I didn’t even think about ’em before I said ’em.  Hell, I can’t get my brain right; I can’t get Hunter right; and I certainly can’t get the whole China and Ukraine things right.  I can’t be held responsible for what I say.  But Trump on the other hand chose his words deliberately today in his use of the word lynching and continues to stoke racial divides in this country daily.”

In a show of solidarity, the remaining Democrat presidential hopefuls also adopted the Buffoon Defense to anything that they say on the campaign trail.

 

Elephant’s Human Rights Jeopardize Abortion Access.

Liberals Conflicted.

Happy is Depressed.

Lawyers representing an elephant have argued in New York court that their trunked client be considered a person.  Happy the elephant is, contrary to her sunny name, being detained by the Bronx Zoo “illegally”, due to her personhood, and must be released, according to her self-appointed legal team.

The case’s instigator, the Nonhuman Rights Project founded by attorney Steven Wise, hopes for a legal breakthrough that will elevate the status of elephants to have the fundamental right to liberty.  Wise has also represented other animals including a dog, a pair of chimps, and a trio of pachyderms.

Wise’s reputation in the animal kingdom has suffered some serious setbacks. In 2017, a New York appeals court ruled that Kiko and Tommy, two chimps in their 30s, could not be considered persons.  Then in August, Connecticut decided that three elephants – Beulah, Minnie and Karen – could not be deemed persons.

Wise has been retained by Happy, an animal that can recognize herself in a mirror. Critics of the legal move argue that Happy’s mirror fancy “only proves that she’s a female, or at least that she identifies as one.”

The case took an interesting turn when, during a recent court hearing, Wise argued that Happy is not happy about being pregnant and wants to terminate her pregnancy.  Said Happy’s attorney, “My client was in a consensual relationship with an elephant named Grumpy when Happy fell pregnant.  Grumpy was killed by two other females in the enclosure – and we know how catty females can be.  Well, anyway, Happy does not wish to become a single mother at this point in her life.  She can never forget what happened to Grumpy.”

Under state law, an abortion on a person requires an additional judicial review.  Wise was unaware of the legal dilemma and asked the court for a recess so he could consult with his client who was not in court.

Polling of Americans has shown strong support for granting animals the same rights as humans.  Some philosophers backed the concept arguing that animals have moral standing and shouldn’t be considered merely as property.

Similar polling also showed that the majority of Americans voted for Hillary Clinton for President in the last election.

Scientists are baffled by the American public’s continued infatuation with elephants.