Islam bad for African cats.

.  .  .  and Christians too.

All Halal breaks loose; Cheetahs never prosper.

CHEETAHS face extinction within two years because smugglers are selling up to three quarters of wild cubs to wealthy Arabs as pets.  A wildlife conservation charity claims around 300 young cheetahs are trafficked out of Somaliland in East Africa each year.

Laurie Marker, conservation biologist and founder of CCF, told CNN: “If you do the math, the math kind of shows that it’s only going to be a matter of a couple of years [before] we are not going to have any cheetahs.”

More than 90 per cent of sales were found to have originated in Gulf nations – with 60 per cent of those in Saudi Arabia.  The animals are sold from as young as two or three months for up to £10,000.  Most cubs end up in the hands of wealthy Arabs, living in Gulf Arab mansions where they are flaunted as status symbols and paraded around in social media posts.

“Because everyone knows that cats are infidels.”

However, life in confinement can be deadly and the journey to get them there can also be fatal.  The cheetah is the world’s fastest land mammal and need space to run and a special diet.  Most Gulf owners do not know how to care for their new “pets” and the majority of captive cheetahs die within a year or two, experts told CNN.  Veterinarians in Gulf countries also confirmed cheetahs suffered from metabolic and digestive disorders because they were not fed properly.  One vet said captivity is “a dead-end for cheetahs”

Amnesty International reports that they only creature more poorly treated than the Cheetah by Muslim nations are Christians.

One government official from a Arabian Peninsula country noted, “Everyone knows that cats of all varieties are infidels: they scoff at authority and do as they please; they stay out all night and expect to be fed.  And you can’t even beat them like you can your wife.  Islam wants to rid the world of all infidels.  Thanks be to Allah.

 

Greta Thunberg, David Hogg to Wed.

A match made in . . .

Environmental activist Greta Thunberg and Anti-Gun frontman David Hogg announce their engagement to be married.  Ms. Thunberg, though only 16, seems a perfect match for the 19-year-old Hogg as he also announced that he is halfway through puberty.

Thunberg is the recent media phenom and poster child for those who also want their children to become grating, scowling, self-important, all-knowing teenagers (also known as  “teenagers“).  Hogg shot to fame – as it were – following the homicidal rampage at Parkland School where Hogg is still in the 10th grade.

At the joint press conference where Hogg and Thunberg announced their upcoming nuptials, they were asked what brought them together.  After giving each other a stare that would vaporize a glacier, Hogg responded, “It’s our evolutionary duty to create children that, between the two of us, will be flawless, omniscient human specimens.  There is no hope for society or our civilization unless people like us – the cream of the human crop – reproduce.”

Ms. Thunberg was asked if her parents approved of the match, she tightened her face saying, “Approved!  What kind of self-serving nonsense is that!  Approved?  Screw ’em.  Adults have already completely ruined my childhood and my whole life.  Marrying David is just the continuation of that.”

Thunberg’s parents who have already financially profited from their daughter’s newfound fame, were a little sanguine about the whole affair, commenting, “Well, we wish them the best.  The good thing is that by marrying each other, only two people will be miserable.”

Kardashian, Jenner attempt Satire.

Leave it to the professionals, ladies.

After the laughter died down, Kim added, “No, we really are just vapid, promiscuous, narcissistic sociopaths; just like the little people who have made us billionaires.”

China, Islam compete for “Most Oppressive” Award.

Competition is neck-and-neck.  Islam removes necks.

Catholicism no longer in the running since Vatican surrendered.

Islam in China: “May the best pig win.”

Ever since Pope Francis capitulated on control over bishops in Communist China, the race for the most oppressive regime is down to two players: Islam and the Communists.  It’s currently too close to call, although Islam does boast a longer track record of injustice, torture, and the ever-popular execution.

One commentator called it the classic struggle between poetry and prose.  “Islam has their whole public flogging and head-chopping thing going on,  while the Chinese opt for the more sanitized death vans, organ-harvesting ‘clinics’, and citizens disappearing in the middle of the night.  But let’s face it: it’s terror no matter how you slice it. No pun intended.”

While both regimes have a rich history of decimating any individual or group that may disagree with them, the contest took a new turn in the head-to-head rankings.  Specifically, in China s northwest, the government is stripping the most overt expressions of the Islamic faith from a picturesque valley where most residents are devout Muslims. Authorities have destroyed domes and minarets on mosques, including one in a small village near Linxia, a city known as Little Mecca.

Similar demolitions have been carried out in Inner Mongolia, Henan and Ningxia, the homeland of China s largest Muslim ethnic minority, the Hui. In the southern province of Yunnan, three mosques were closed. From Beijing to Ningxia, officials have banned the public use of Arabic script.

While no one is publicly predicting who will win in this epic showdown, one local – who spoke on the condition of anonymity – noted, “It is the great irony of our day.  Here in China, it is the Year of the Pig.  With two pigs in the battle, may the best pig win.”

Brit Awards make humanitarian move.

Cutting the length of the show in half; now only ‘interminable.’

Greatest British innovation since false teeth.

Celebrating us!

The Brit Awards is hiding behind pretext.  While not wanting to offend singer Sam Smith who is in the midst of trying to determine which – if any – gender he/she/they is/are, the Board is announcing that there will henceforth only be a non-binary category, there will no longer be “Best Male Performer” or “Best Female Performer” effectively cutting by half the number of participation trophies awarded.

The change could affect next year’s Brit Awards and comes just a week after the singer, 27, who was nominated in the best male category at this year’s ceremony, pleaded ‘after a lifetime of being at war with my gender’ to be referred to as ‘they’ rather than ‘he’.

Transcripts of the Brit Award’s committee’s latest meeting reveal that the “Sam Smith” issue is nothing less than a ruse for the real reason of the category consolidation. One Board member noted that advertisers were feeling the pinch – and ad revenues were declining – given the excessive length of the award program.  The Board was looking for a way to shorten the program when singer Smith made the off-kilter announcement.

This was like a gift to us.  We mercifully shortened the program and we look LGBTQLMNOP sensitive at the same time.  None of us give a rat’s rear-end what Sam thinks he is.  Hope he has a nice vacation on Fantasy Island!  I fancy myself a kangaroo who croons.  Do I get an award?” said the Board member drawing guffaws from the rest of the Board.

The ambiguous Sam Smith tweeted “Me/us is/are so happy with the Board’s action.  It is so freeing to be able to create drama (my feminine side) and show courage (my masculine side) at the same time.  Isn’t love beautiful!

NewFace Store open for business.

Get ’em while they last.

Tired of your old face?  You are not alone.  Probably everyone you know is tired of it to.

Just want to see how they live on the other side of the tracks?  Well, NewFace has a face for you.

These are just a few of the new faces that NewFace has for you.

Jew Face

This is a classic.  Some people thought Groucho Marx (ask your grandparents) really looked like that.  But no, he was one of the first customers of NewFace.  Now you can pretend to be a greedy titan of business or the owner of a professional sport team.  Stretch limo is not included.

This one was made popular by Al Jolson (ask your grandparents) but has had a huge resurgence in popularity thanks to many politicians.  Some NewFace customers include Justin Trudeau, Governor of Virginia Ralph Northam, and Alabama Governor Kay Ivey.  Pick your favorite from our complete collection.

 

The Jolson

The Justin

The Northam

The Ivey

 

 

 

 

 

Coming soon: The Obama half-black face.

WARNING: Using any of the NewFace Products has shown to shorten the life of any celebrity and/or politician.  Use NewFace products early and often.  And at your own risk.

Deaf Girl Speaks Volumes

Only a fool would refuse to hear her.

Speaking of fools, wonder what the folks at Planned Parenthood think.

Circus couple playing hide the balls.

Plan to re-write entire Oxford dictionary: “We’re starting with the pronouns.

A couple are refusing to reveal the gender of their 17-month-old baby to their close family because they want to protect them from ‘unconscious gender bias’.

Mother Hobbit Humphrey, 38, and father Jake England-Johns, 35, both of whom are circus performers – portraying themselves as androgynous clowns both on and off the clock,  live on a houseboat in Keynsham, near Bath, England.  They said they are currently dressing 17-month-old Anoush in both boys and girls clothes and, “We’re not trying to make them be anything.  Except of course we want them to be a vegetarian and to be accepting of all beliefs . . . except Christianity.  But that’s about it.”

The married couple, both members of the Extinction Rebellion climate action group, are also asking friends and family to address the toddler using the gender-neutral pronouns, ‘they’ and ‘them’.   Hobbit – so named because of his/her/they/their/them furry feet since infancy – remarked that being so vaguely named allowed her to explore her own species as well as gender, “It was so liberating to not even be tied to an actual universe; mythical creatures are so enlightened.”

Grandma, with no medical training makes diagnosis.

One of the child’s grandparents said they only found out the baby’s gender after 11 months, when changing a diaper.  “We were livid.  Mum let the cats out of the bag.  But we’re not telling Anoush.  They just thought they were bath toys.”   “We’re just letting Anoush be a baby. He is the most lovely little human.  Oops, I mean creature.” Hobbit added with a blush.

When Science body slams you with the truth.

SNL dances on the moral high ground.

Citing long-standing policy on reverence and sanctity.

“Saturday Night Live” showrunner Lorne Michaels, who has long led the legendary program, said “there is not now – nor has there ever been – room on my program for the racist and homophobic so-called humor on Saturday Night Live. Period.  We’ve canned his fag-bashing butt, effective immediately.”

Michaels was referencing comments made by newly hired cast member Shane Gillis, but comedians and actors are expressing their condemnation on social media, some even asking that he be fired from the show.  One cast member said, “We have standards here.  We simply cannot tolerate intolerance from any quarter.  Ever.”

Footage of Gillis’s podcast, “Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast,” was posted to social media by entertainment journalist Seth Simons on Thursday. In it, Gillis, when discussing New York City’s Chinatown, is heard saying, “Let the f-cking ch-nks live there,” and mocks immigrants’ language skills.  In other episodes, Gillis makes derogatory remarks about women, Muslims and the LBTQ community.

“As a comedian, I usually side with the comedians on sensitive subjects. But this is just plain racist. [It’s] truly disgusting,” wrote “Silicon Valley” star Jimmy O. Yang on Twitter. “This man has to go @nbcsnl.”

SNL later released this training video for future applicants wanting to work on the show: