Pope Francis converts, actually becomes Catholic

Answering the oft asked rhetorical question: Is the Pope Catholic?  Finally!

Faithful Catholics and others who hold to the Truth of the Catholic Church got some surprising good news from a completely unexpected source today: Pope Francis I.

Pope Francis has been subjected to criticism from the laity and from his brother bishops since the beginning of his pontificate.  Francis has frequently caused consternation with his vague and often confusing declarations that hinted at his efforts to set aside – and in some cases, completely reverse – historic Catholic teachings.  The Pope has even provoked Catholics, calling it “an honor” when Americans voiced disagreement with him.

But the disclosure of a private letter written by Pope Francis I has served to brighten the outlook for orthodoxy being protected and promoted.  In the wide-ranging letter, the Pontiff noted that he, “felt this irresistible wave of grace, that just had to be the Holy Spirit, sweep over [him].  And [he] was finally able to overcome the deceitfulness of the Marxism that, as a Argentinian and a Jesuit had been such a pervasive part of his upbringing.”

Francis continued that he was able to “interiorally repent” and subsequently make a good Confession, hoping that going forward he “would have a renewed heart for evangelization of the world” in the time that he has left.   When the recently appointed Prefect for the newly formed Congregation of Really Cool Vibes and Ecumenism was asked to verify the contents of the letter, he responded simply, “Uh oh.”

Talking to some of them,” the Pope continued “is like playing a game of theological wack-a-mole; they just keep shifting their paradigm.  I call this group porta-protties because they just keep making up s[tuff] as they go along.”

Perhaps the biggest papal reversal came from the Pope’s comments on other faiths.  Francis who has made several controversial declaration about Islam as well as other religions.  “I have some damage to undo” said Francis, “I made a grave error in exposing the Faithful in Communist China to government-approved bishops.  Gotta fix that el pronto.  And I was especially naive in my approach to Islam, which seems to me now to be insatiable in its desire to shed Christian blood.”  The Holy Father also had some words for Protestants and the heirs of the Reformation.

“And I know that the Catechism calls these children of the so-called Reformation our ‘Separated Brethren’ and I shall endeavor to treat them as such.  But a large number of these ‘Brethren’ seem challenged to approach history and their faith with intellectual honesty.  Talking to some of them,” the Pope continued, “is like playing a game of theological wack-a-mole; they just keep shifting their paradigm.  I call this group porta-protties because they just keep making up s[tuff] as they go along.”

There has been no official word from the Vatican on Pope Francis’ new found faith.