Pope: “Give up fossil fuel” Hops on Papal Plane.

Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg jockey for papal endorsement.

Pope Francis has called upon the world to give up fossil fuels, claiming that the climate is in a state of “emergency” and that this has been caused by human activity.   “Now is the time to abandon our dependence on fossil fuels and move, quickly and decisively, towards forms of clean energy and a sustainable and circular economy,” he said.

I’m not talking about me.  Everybody else should give up fossil fuels.  I’m like an ecclesiastical rock star.  Stay in you lane, bruh!”


But faster than a Novus Ordo priest could get through the Mass, Pope Francis blew through the whole Treasury of Vatican carbon offsets when he hopped into his limo to take him to the airport to the waiting papal plane.  On the flight, the pontiff rebuffed one reporter’s observation, “I’m not talking about me.  Everybody else should give up fossil fuels.  I’m like an ecclesiastical rock star.  Stay in you lane, bruh!”

According to James Taylor, Director of the Arthur B. Robinson Center on Climate and Environmental Policy at the Heartland Institute, a conservative research and education organization, “As a theological entity rather than an entity with particular scientific or economic authority and expertise, the Vatican should be careful about assigning theological weight to particular economic theories or scientific questions,” he continued.

“Forcing people off of abundant, affordable energy and imposing expensive, unreliable ‘clean’ energy sentences too many people in the world to perpetual poverty and all the human misery that accompanies it.” Taylor added that there is “nothing clean” about the “environmentally devastating mining of rare-earth minerals necessary for wind and solar power equipment.”

“Hundreds of square miles have been destroyed to make room for enough wind turbines to produce the same amount of energy as a single power plant. We can’t even predict the path of Hurricane Dorian with any certainty,” he stated. “How can we possibly predict what the climate will be one hundred years from now!”

Elsewhere in his message, Pope Francis called upon humanity “to repent” of acting like tyrants over the earth, “to be converted and to return to our roots.  Because there’s nothing like turning the clock back a few hundred years.  I mean, what’s civilization done for me?”

He also said that humanity should “Let us also learn to listen to indigenous peoples, whose age-old wisdom can teach us how to live in a better relationship with the environment,” he said.   To emphasize the point, the pontiff took off his shirt, ran a reed through his nose, and led the College of Cardinals in an ancient Amazonian chant to the various climate deities.