Scientists applaud discovering Book of Genesis

We are shocked that we actually found this.”

What happened to the dinosaurs when an asteroid about six miles wide struck Earth in what is today Mexico is well known: It wiped them out. But the exact fate of our planet’s diverse ocean dwellers at the time — shelly ammonites, giant mosasaurs and other sea creatures — has not been as well understood.

New scientific research now makes the case that the same “incident” that helped bring an end to the reign of the dinosaurs also acidified the planet’s oceans, disrupted the food chain that sustained life underwater and resulted in a mass extinction. The study, published Monday in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, points to a source hitherto alien to ‘learned scientists’: the Book of Genesis.  Turns out that the cataclysmic event described therein would account perfectly for the acidified oceans, disrupted food chains, and extinction of the pre-historic giants on land and sea.

What meaneth these strange sayings?

At the center for this landmark discovery is an elusive section of Genesis, which has been given the code name ‘Chapter 7‘.  According to a copy of the discovery that has been surreptitiously obtained, through chicanery, no doubt is a section that says:

And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.

“It’s flash acidification, and it transformed ecosystems almost instantly and irreversibly,” said the ironically named Noah Planavsky, a biogeochemist at Yale and one of the study’s authors.

“We were shocked that we actually found this.”